Baptized in Bullshit

On Baptized in Bullshit, it’s important to remember that any reference to Christianity applies only to Protestantism. As shown on the Wheel of Christian-ness, only Protestants are one hundred percent guaranteed Christian. This may rustle the jimmies of groups who see themselves as Christian, but they’re wrong, so who cares?

The Birth of Protestantism

Protestantism arose from a single core tenet: Catholicism is bullshit. The first man to call Catholicism on its bullshit (and not be immediately tortured to death for it) was German priest and professor Martin Luther, who did so in 1517 by writing his Disputation of Martin Luther on the Power and Efficacy of Indulgences. Popularly known as The Ninety-Five Theses, this document was more inquisitive than accusatory and as scholarly (read: boring) as the name would imply. It was then nailed to the door of the Castle Church of Wittenberg, which claimed to have bottles of the virgin Mary’s breast milk. Modern day Protestants like to portray this as an act of balls-out hardcore rebellion (the nailing, not the breast milk), but it was business as usual. Posting documents on the door was a custom just like putting up notes for your sweet kegger on your floor’s announcement board, brah.

Martin Luther’s Big Beef

Luther was annoyed by the selling of indulgences, essentially Get out of Hell Free cards, and wanted to engage the Church in a scholarly debate. Much like an overzealous college administration, the Catholic church came down hard on Luther by threat of excommunication and arrest. Eventually, it became illegal to provide him with food or shelter, and legal for anyone to kill him at whim.

Meanwhile, Luther was running around telling everyone they should read the Bible for themselves, that they didn’t need to listen to the pope anymore and that faith, not good deeds, was the only requirement for salvation from hell. Protestantism became wildly popular as followers no longer needed to listen to anyone or do anything to get into heaven. Luther threw his final finger at the Roman Catholic Church by marrying a nun. Shortly thereafter, the proud history of Protestants and Catholics slaughtering each other began.

Protestants and Catholics Today

Despite the occasional sectarian bloodbath in other parts of the world, the attitude between American Protestants and Catholics is generally amicable The notable exception is that some American Protestants believe Catholicism is the Whore of Babylon from the Book of Revelation, a worldwide universal religion that will be used by the Antichrist to deceive the world during the end times. Nobody’s perfect, Catholics.

Christian radio is the scourge of the 87.9 to 100.0 FM band in most American cities. Each year, more and more Christian stations take up valuable spots on the dial that could be used for classical music stations, free of commercials and listeners.

Toothless and anemic, Christian Contemporary (known as CCM) blends the dullness of Adult Contemporary with the platitudes of Sunday morning worship music. Depending on the hipness of the church, it may even be Sunday morning worship music. As such, CCM employs easily memorized lyrics, standard tempos, and simple song structures. Sometimes the songs are only composed of alternating choruses or just one chorus repeated ad infinitum, a “Whip My Hair” for God (minus all the black people). The lyrical content, meanwhile, is replete with Christianese and singularly obsessed with watching Jesus through his bedroom window.

While the average love song can range from a meditation on love lost to enthusiasm over a rekindled flame, every CCM song exists on the level of stalker classic “Every Breath You Take” by The Police. The CCM lyricist has a neurotic need to express absolute certainty that they really, really, really love Jesus and he really, really, really loves them back. You get the sense that these singers don’t need Jesus’ love, just relationship counseling and possibly a restraining order.

As an example, here are the choruses from the last three songs played on the local 88.7 Way FM station:

Song 1

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Song 2

And oh, how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

Song 3

If I can’t have your love my heart’s got nowhere to go
Only you can rescue me
Please don’t let me go
I’ll be lost inside a dying world just trying to find my home
It’s with you
I belong
Please don’t let me go

Besides the John Hinckley Jr. aspect, CCM’s other notable element is artist staying power. Michael W. Smith, Stephen Curtis Chapman, TobyMac, Jars of Clay and the Newsboys still manage to top the billboards, despite the fact that most of these bands and artists have existed for over twenty years. Once you hit it big in CCM, you stay big. This is due in part because the dearth of artists assures that your hit song will be played endlessly for the next six to ten years. The other factor is that Christian radio, which exists in a bubble cut off from the rigors and standards of commercial success, offers a built-in audience ready to imbibe any half-assed knock off of mainstream music, as long as it has a Christian message.

This brings up the problem of nominally Christian bands. If a band has a secular sound, who is to say they aren’t actually secularist? Evanescence saw some play on Alternative Christian rock radio stations before they dropped an F-bomb in an interview. Bands like Chevelle, P.O.D. and Switchfoot have similarly straddled this line and while that might fly with the younger set, older fundamentalists stick to the classic “all rock music is evil”. Remember, just because they rock less than Simon & Garfunkel doesn’t mean they’re any less hellbound.

Established as official church doctrine in 325 A.D. by the Council of Nicea, the Trinity is one of the most difficult concepts for non-Christians to understand. The problem is that Christianity considers itself to be a monotheistic religion, but Jesus claimed to be the Son of God and also God himself. No word yet on whether or not he was his own grandpa.

Nonetheless, being your own father creates a serious paradox. The answer, without resorting to Futurama-style time travel shenanigans, is the doctrine of the Trinity. It asserts that God is three individuals who are simultaneously separate from one another, but also part of a single super-entity. In other words, each member of the trinity is 100% separate and 100% God. This is referred to as the Godhead.

The members of the Godhead are:

• God the Son ( a.k.a. Jesus, indie folkster Sam Bean, “The White Bob Marley”)
• God the Father (a.k.a. God, “I am the great I am”, Zach Galifianakas’ stunt double)
• God the Holy Spirit ( a.k.a Casper’s Dad, John Doe, Disneyland Haunted Mansion Employee of the Year since 1969)

_{Note: When Christians refer to God, they are commonly talking about God the Father. However, they could be referring to the Godhead as a whole. Both usages of “God” are correct, so context clues are key in these situations.}

Do not make the mistake of thinking that each member makes up only 1/3 of the Godhead. They are all 100% Grade A prime cut God. If you are having trouble with this concept, grab a pen and paper and try this simple Venn diagram exercise in the comfort of your own home:

1. Carefully draw three circles on top of each other
2. Now make sure they don’t intersect at any point
3. You’re done!

_{Note: You may need to draw in the 4th, 5th, and 6th dimensions for this to work.}